Picture a freezing winter day. To avoid dying of cold, a group of porcupines huddles together. But the quills prick, and soon each one moves away. Then the cold returns, and they come close again, and prick each other again. Until they find a middle distance: close enough to keep warm, far enough not to get hurt.
This is the parable that Arthur Schopenhauer includes in his Parerga and Paralipomena, published in 1851. For the German philosopher, the need for company drives us toward one another, while each person’s faults and sharp edges push us apart. The middle distance we eventually find is, he writes, politeness and good manners. And whoever has plenty of inner warmth, he adds, prefers to stay outside society, so as not to give or receive annoyance.
Today the image makes us think of our everyday relationships. In the family there are moments when we need to hold each other and others when we need space. At work, collaboration asks for closeness, but too much familiarity can become intrusion. In friendships, sometimes a message now and then is enough to feel close, other times a whole evening is needed. There is no right distance for everyone: it changes from person to person and from day to day.
So what practical advice can we draw from the parable? Not to choose once and for all between “warmth” and “pricks”, but to notice the signal. When a relationship pricks us, we may be standing too close; when we feel lonely, we may have moved too far away. And above all, we can ask: “How much closeness do you need today?” A kind question is worth a hundred guesses.
A note of rigour: Schopenhauer’s is a philosophical image, not an experimental result. It helps us think, but it does not replace research on relationships or talking to a professional when a situation makes us suffer.
And you, is there a relationship in which you feel you are too close or too far? What would you change, gently? Tell us in the comments.
Sources
- Schopenhauer A. (1851). Parerga und Paralipomena, vol. II, ch. XXXI, “Gleichnisse und Parabeln” (the porcupine parable).
- Wikipedia, “Hedgehog’s dilemma”, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedgehog%27s_dilemma (accessed 13/10/2026).
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